Last night on my way to the park I was stopped at a red light. It’s a notoriously long light so I checked a text thread I’m in where two comic buds were arguing about Adam Corolla tweets.
One was angry that Adam Corolla was sexist while the other thought he wasn’t sexist enough.
I heard a violent crash, looked up and saw a minivan spinning towards me, pieces flying everywhere as it was ripping apart in mid-twirl.
It was as if in slow motion. I could hear my own thoughts:
‘It’s coming towards me. Don’t hit my truck. The driver is really fat. Put it in reverse and hit the pedal. Adam Corolla. Is there a car behind me? If you don’t like him, why are you following his tweets? Fuck, there’s a car behind me. I’m gonna get hit. You don’t HAVE to pay attention to Adam Corolla. Fuck! He hit me.’
I pulled over in the vacant lot and got out to assess the damage when I saw a Jeep SUV on its side. No one was getting out. Smoke was faintly billowing out.
I started running towards it, but my shorts were slipping down. I made it to the vehicle bare assed and saw a couple of figures trapped. I tried to climb up, but was worried it might tip over on me. No one else was coming. I didn’t know what to do.
Finally some college kids ran from across the street. I had one lift me up on top. I started knocking trying to get the people inside to unlock it. I managed to get the door open. A teenage girl was on the phone with 911. Her mother kept screaming “My husband! My husband! He’s not moving!”
I lifted the mom out first, then the daughter, looked inside and saw the father’s body crumpled in the back. A girl said she was a nurse so I helped her up and into the Jeep.
I went to the back to open the hatch. The daughter had the key. She got it open and as the door lifted - half of her father’s body flopped out. Blood and what looked like brain matter started spilling. I threw my hand over the wound to keep it all in, yelling at the daughter to block her mother from seeing.
As I was kneeling with my hand trying to keep his brains in I saw a pistol in the dirt. Somehow it landed in the gravel with the butt of the gun straight up and perfectly balanced. It was so odd. It’s like when you flip a coin and it lands on the side, what are the odds?!
The medics arrived and quickly took over. Getting the jaws of life and doing an incredible job of saving his life. I went to the mother and held her hand. She looked so scared and lost. This was her entire world. Everything.
I told her he was going to be ok. The medics were there and looked extremely calm. I said head wounds are very messy, it’s normal. I hated saying it. I had no idea what I was talking about, but felt she needed to hear it. She said he was drinking tequila earlier. I said let’s not tell that to the cops. She said it’s ok her daughter was driving. I said I loved margaritas.
At this point we were surrounded by spectators all congratulating each other and taking the lead. No one would look at me. That’s when I remembered to pull up my shorts. I backed away to let it be and went to check on my truck.
No dent. Just some scuff marks. It was nothing. Thank god. Since Quarantine I haven’t had a license, insurance or inspection sticker.
I got in discreetly as a cop was arguing with the driver of the other vehicle. He wanted to leave and the cop was telling him if he did he’d be arrested. I slowly drove off through the lot. Nobody noticed.
I ran home to wash off the blood, threw away my stained clothes then took my truck to a gas station to clean out the inside in case there was more blood.
An hour later I finally made it to the park to get my run in.
Anyhoo - here’s that recipe for a Red Velvet Cake because this is actually a blog about cooking.
Ingredients
* 1/2 cup butter, softened
* 1-1/2 cups sugar
* 2 large eggs, room temp
* 2 bottles red food coloring
* 1 tablespoon white vinegar
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 2-1/4 cups cake flour
* 2 tablespoons baking cocoa
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup buttermilk
FROSTING:
* 1 tablespoon cornstarch
* 1/2 cup cold water
* 2 cups butter, softened
* 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
* 3-1/2 cups sugar
* Preheat oven to 350°. Cream butter and granulated sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in food coloring, vinegar and vanilla. In another bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt; add to creamed mixture alternately with buttermilk, beating well after each addition.
* Pour into two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, 20-25 minutes. Cool layers 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.
* For frosting, combine water and cornstarch in a small saucepan over medium heat. Stir until thickened and opaque, 2-3 minutes. Cool to room temperature. Beat butter and vanilla until light and fluffy. Beat in cornstarch mixture. Gradually add confectioners' sugar; beat until light and fluffy. Spread between layers and over top and sides of cake.
Jay Whitecotton is the product of a clinically diagnosed schizophrenic family of drug addicted Star Trek nerds, who would rage tweak all night while playing Dungeons & Dragons. His comedy special Jazz Funeral is available on YouTube for free because he couldn’t justify charging people during a global pandemic.